i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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