Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
