i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
