my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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