I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
