I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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