Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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