Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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