my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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