He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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