I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
