why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wear drunk well.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
