theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
