My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
