This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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