I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
