dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
