I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
sarcasm needs its own font
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
True strength comes from lack of pants
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
