I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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