Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
