The maid of honor just puked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
