All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
