Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
