Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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