i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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