I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Shame - the story of my life.
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