The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
