You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A bitchslap is in order.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
