STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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