I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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