I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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