too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize