When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize