I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
