They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
