he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
