Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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