...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
