I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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