I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
