Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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