I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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