Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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