he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize