I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
