I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
