I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize