she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
