Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
