I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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