First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
