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I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
