His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
